I'm not really sure where to start with this. Some of my other Army friends have started blogs and I enjoy reading them and I figured I would start one too! I complain a lot that people just don't understand what it's like for family members to go through deployments, so instead of continuing to complain I decided to be a part of the solution and put my thoughts and feelings out there so people can understand a little better what this is like at least from my point of view. Here is my perspective....
This is not an easy life. And if someone had told me 10 years ago that I would be married to a man in the Army I would have quickly told you "No way!". But you don't chose who you fall in love with, it choses you. And it just so happened that the man I fell in love with was a proud member of the Massachusetts Army National Guard (Sgt. Greg Piangerelli to be exact!). The good thing about being married to someone in the National Guard is that our life doesn't always revolve around the military. Greg has a regular job and we live a regular life other than one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year. But during a deployment our lives quickly become consumed with all Army all the time.
This my second experience with a deployment and this is my husbands third overseas deployment. I thought since I had gone through this before that it would be easier. Unfortunately it's not, this time seems so much harder. I'm not sure if it's because I know what to expect and last time I went into this blindly with no perspective or if it's because of the little 4 month old little man (Mr. Joey P!) that's come into our lives this time around. Probably a little of both, but I think it's mostly because we have a son now. I don't cry for me and all the responsibilities I have, I cry for Greg because I know how difficult it is to be away from Joey. That man was made to be a Dad and I can hear the sadness in his voice sometimes when he calls me and I tell him something new that Joey has done. His prized posession right now is the framed picture I sent him of him and Joey sitting on the couch watching TV when he was home in October on leave.
Greg has spent a total of 2 weeks with his son. That's it. Thankfully Greg got to be here for his birth in August and we got a week together then. And then in October we had another week together after his training in Indiana. Those 2 weeks we had together was blissful and I cherished every moment we had together as a family. Watching Greg say goodbye to Joey in October at the airport was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness in my life. As much as we try to avoid this thought, the reality of the situation was that it could be the last time he held or saw his son. It was an awful feeling for both of us and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I think the hardest part for me is all the different emotions I feel everyday. For example: Joey has started to laughing lately. So Joey will laugh and my first emotion is joy (look at my sweet baby boy and how adorable and cute he is), then it's sadness (I wish Greg was here to see him do this), then it's guilt (why do I get to be here to see him do this, but Greg doesn't), then it's frustration (it's not fair that Gregs not here to see Joey laugh), then it's anger ( i hate the Army, I hate this deployment, I hate afghanistan, I hate that I have to do all this by myself)...etc, etc. etc. This is what it's like for me all day, everyday. A conflicting roller coaster of emotions. It's exhausting. I've gotten upset lately because people don't ask me how Greg is doing. It would make me so mad. I felt like friends and family were trying to pretend that my life was going on like it normally would when in reality, everything in my life has changed. But lately I've realized that I think people just don't know what to say or maybe don't want to upset me by asking me about Greg. And in a way, my friends and family are right to be cautious. Because depending on my mood, sometimes I would want people to ask me about him and other times I'm praying that people don't ask me about him. My issues regarding people not asking me about him are truly my own issues and the emotions that I'm going through at that particular point in the day. There are those conflicting emotions again.
I hear a lot (as most military wives do) "I don't know how you do it". Somedays I don't know how I do it either, but this is my life and I'm just doing what I have to do to get through each day. I don't want people to get the wrong impression of this blog. I'm not looking for people to feel bad for me or to try to get sympathy. Again, I'm just trying to give people some perspective on this life and it's also therapeautic for me to type out my thoughts. I'm hoping I can find the time to continue doing this throughout the deployment and even after it as well.
